Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
