I'm so fucking centered right now
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
