There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
