I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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