What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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