I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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