Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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