goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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