I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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