is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
if only i could text you this smell
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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