If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
