Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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