My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
