This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
