I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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