I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
that is very illegal...i love you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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