when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
