If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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