just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize