I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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