Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
