I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
