tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
