He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
