shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
