how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.