I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."