i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised