When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
