shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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