So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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