she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
