grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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