just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
