really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
