I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
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why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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