He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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