I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
