you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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