I'm going to jail i love you
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
