You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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