Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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