I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
