Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
