yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
