Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
