just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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