there's paper in my vomit.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
