between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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