yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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