a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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