there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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