so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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