Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
