Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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