FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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