We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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