Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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