I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
