there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
