so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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