Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
